It's been five years since my divorce in March.? And in those five years you could say that I have learned a thing or two about relationships, albeit the hard way.? It doesn't make me any different than others who are committed to making a good choice "the second time around".? There are people who get into one relationship and go the distance for a lifetime.? Boy do I envy them (as long as they are really happy).? I think about 50% of those folks are.
I know what it feels like to be in an unhappy marriage that "looks good" from the outside.? Unfortunately I wasn't able to lie to myself with any degree of skill to make living a life unhappily, a plausible alternative for me.? My former is happily remarried.? Paul and Kristen rock.? And so does little Zach.
I know I made the right choice.
The first person to kiss me post divorce was Max.? My God did he ever rock my world.? He was about ten years older than me and Italian (purr).? He was a web designer and a creative and hooked me up with the great works of Julia Cameron author of "The Artists Way" series.? He was an accomplished guitar player, attended spoken word heats in Toronto and well, really hot.? In 2008 he was the first lover I had had since 2002.
I wanted a relationship with him.
But I met him after my separation was ending and I was moving out on my own.? I felt lost in many ways and confused about my prospects for dating.? He would call me and talk to me at length about divorce and the "phases" or how everything was a process that people typically went through.? I now realize he likened divorce to the "Five Stages of Grief" model by Kubler-Ross which I understand to be very true now.? I went through all those stages and the hardest one for me was "acceptance".
What I wanted (or was compelled to do) was jump into a new relationship.? My "boo hoo" turned to a false "woo hoo! I'm single!" and I charged into the dating world self-assured that the first one or two people I'd meet could be "the one".? My next marriage.? The one that would fit perfectly.? Perhaps he would have children already.? Perhaps he would want to try to have one?? Maybe even adopt or foster one??? Time was wasting and I wanted to be in a good new relationship.? And I wanted children in my life more than anything.
I really wanted Max.?? And he was my first broken heart in ten years.? Boy did that hurt.? But he was right.? I had no business seeking out a relationship while I was still mired in the death throes of my own divorce.? The end of my marriage.? Transition.? The change in my economic status.? Transition.? Social insecurities.? Transition.? Geographic uprooting.? Transition.
Transition.? Transition.? Transition.
There is no room to start a relationship when you are in transition.? That is not to say that people don't do it.? They do.? Because they are seeking comfort.? Not out of weakness but the baseline human need to be "in a relationship" after you have been (or are completing) your divorce is a powerful drive.? You want to 'claw back' some of that security and normalcy.? When you are a relationship person and have spent years being one half of a two-some it can be a very hard adjustment to be a one-some.? It's lonely.? It hurts.? And in many ways it's very frightening.
I clung to Max trying to convince him I was right and ready to have a relationship.? He infuriated me when he broke down the transitional bits for me.? He was wrong. Completely wrong!? I knew myself after all and I knew I was ready to fall in love again even as I was packing up my things to move from my marital home.? I was ready to be someones partner even while my former spouse and I continued to fight.? I was absolutely prepared to be someones lover when I felt sad and insecure.
He didn't know a damned thing... right?
My heart hurts this morning big time.? I am sad.? Disappointed but also proud of myself.? I had thought the reason I was jittery with my boyfriend was because of some historical collateral damages.? I was unwilling to meet his friends or introduce him to mine.? Meeting his parents was lovely but something that I only did after two and a half months of dating.? And even then (as amazing and wonderful folks they are) I had anxiety afterward.?? I refused to meet his children.? And every time he mentioned the possibility of joining them on a family vacation in the Fall I froze up.
And it hurt him.? We both chalked it up to my cold feet and shrapnel from previous relationships.? But it wasn't that.? I finally listened to my heart this week and realized that I recognized the symptoms.
Only this time... I was the "Max" you see.
You can meet the most wonderful amazing and romantic person at the wrong time.? As I confronted the truth within myself I knew what needed to come next.? Honesty.? Full out honesty and truth.? And as it came out all the anxiety left me and I knew I had figured it all out accurately.?
Letting go of someone you love is hard when every ounce of you wants to stay.? I could write the book on that with both Paul and Adam.? But holding on when the climate or timing isn't right has consequences.? Trying to nurture a relationship during huge emotional transition is a recipe for disaster.? Hearts get broken that way.
I hope we can stay friends.
Source: http://skylar-smythe.blogspot.com/2012/02/bad-timing.html
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